NOTE: If your child’s anxiety is causing significant emotional, social, academic, or behavioral problems, please consult with a qualified and reputable counseling professional.As parents, it can be a very upsetting when we see our children going through difficult times. When our kids are feeling anxious or afraid it can be particularly disturbing. We certainly don’t want them to experience the world as a scary place. Although some anxiety is normal, Intense anxiety can significantly interfere with children's ability to do well and live happily, and can even get in the way of their healthy development. So, what can you do when your child is experiencing high anxiety? I want to share with you a few basic things you can do to help.
Before addressing a significant life issue, such as childhood anxiety, it is important to fully understand It. Otherwise, we risk complicating already difficult matters. So let's begin by exploring some of the basics about anxiety.
Anxiety is a mental condition with physical and emotional components. In short it is defined as a condition of excessive worry and fear. It is recognized by a specific set of related symptoms. Although not everyone who experiences anxiety has all of the symptoms, most who experience anxiety have at least some of the symptoms. Some of the symptoms will vary based on the person’s age or developmental stage. Common manifestations, or symptoms, you might observe in a child who struggles with anxiety include:
- clinginess to parent figures and/or teachers
- avoidance of people and/or situations
- somatic complaints (stomach aches, headaches, etc.)
- eating problems, or changes in eating patterns
- panic attacks
- excessive fears or worries
- difficulty with sleep or sleep routines
- excessive crying or tantrums
- being easily upset
- frequently missing school, or requesting to miss school
- avoiding age-appropriate social situations
- excessive concern over performance, or of evaluation by others
- emotionality with little or no apparent reason
- excessive concern with structure, order, and/or cleanliness
- Genetic and personality characteristics of the child
- Medical trauma or conditions
- Unstable family relationships
- Threatening environments (including the home)
- Traumatic experiences
- Parental modeling of anxiety responses
- Anxious and fearful thoughts
So, what can you as a parent do when your child is experiencing anxiety? Here are a few suggestions:
Seek to understand your child’s anxiety
Get professional help
There are a variety of professionals in the community who can help address issues like anxiety. For children, you might start with a social worker, school counselor, professional therapist, or pediatrician. While social workers, counselors, and therapists will likely help address issues in the child’s thinking, behaviors, routine, and environment, physicians and psychiatrists are more likely to consider pharmaceutical solutions. Common and established treatments for addressing anxiety include counseling (individual, family, and group) and anti-anxiety medications (prescribed by a pediatrician or psychiatrist). Although medications should always be considered as an option for severe anxiety, counseling can help most individuals reduce their anxiety by changing their thought patterns, social skills, and personal habits.
Listen to the quiet wisdom
Although professionals are a great resource, and should be used when available, there is also a lot to be said for the quiet wisdom in the heart of a parent. Since you know your child best, and will be with them more than anyone else, your perceptions can be very important. As you quiet all the fears, voices, and pressures around you, you will be better able to discover how to engage your child in the recovery process. You might be inspired about which professional(s) to contact, about how to encourage your child’s participation, and about how to best support your child’s recovery. As you add your parental commitment to the treatment provided by professionals, you will be much more likely to see positive results.
Establish a calming, stable home environment
Every child needs at least one place of peace and safety, and their home should definitely be one. Having a refuge from the stressors and challenges of life can go a long way to minimizing the amount of anxiety a child feels. As a parent, you can work to make your home more of a refuge by 1) responding with more patience, 2) eliminating the use of sarcasm and/or put-downs, 3) using upbeat and positive language, and 4) ensuring an environment free of excess noise, arguing, and clutter.
Build good family relationships
How we talk to and treat each other is important, especially in our own families. If we cannot feel good about the relationships in our homes, it is hard to feel good about life in general. If we do not feel safe (emotionally or physically) in our own homes, and with our own families, it will be hard to feel safe anywhere. However, if we can rely on the understanding, support, and friendship of family members, we will never be alone in the world. Do what you can to be more patient, kind, courteous, and positive with your family members.
Support the development and maintenance of positive peer relationships
Kids need friends. Although at times parents may not see the urgency of this need, kids are very aware of it. If kids don’t have friends it probably bother them significantly, even if they don't talk about it. If your child is sitting alone at lunch, standing alone on the playground, or lacking peers with whom they can chat about common interests, it will be hard for him/her to feel accepted and secure. Although we as parents are very committed to our children’s well-being, we are not adequate replacements for peer friendships. Kids need to feel like they fit in, like they have a place in the world. Kids also need to be able to laugh and play sometimes, without having to be concerned about the larger matters in life (as a matter of fact, most of us adults probably need this too). Kids worry a lot less about getting their clothes dirty, or how they look when they dance, and they enjoy giving way to their playful imaginations. Friends help kids be kids. So, you might ask your child about his/her friends, you might offer to host a movie night for his/her peers, or you might invite families (with kids of similar ages) over to your house for dinner.
Commit to help your child through his/her struggles
Whatever you do, don’t leave your child to fend for him/herself in the world. The world is a big place, and kids should not have to face it alone. They need their parents to guide and reassure them through the daily maze of life. Kids don’t always know how to deal with issues. They may feel stressed or overwhelmed about something that an adult would see as minor or insignificant. It is important that we be there, as parents, paying close attention to our kids’ experiences in life. When we are present in our kids’ lives, we can be there to help them make healthy choices and form healthy beliefs about themselves. Since problems like anxiety are not often resolved quickly, it is important that we commit to the long-term process of helping our children; we need to let them know that we will be with them, that we “have their back.”
Help your children develop and use positive coping strategies
There are many different strategies a person can use to handle life’s challenges. Although we don’t often think about where our own coping strategies came from, it is most likely that we obtained them from the example and training of our parents. It is a great responsibility for us as parents to ensure that our children have positive strategies for coping with stress and anxiety. This can help them avoid resorting to ineffective, and even damaging coping strategies, such as self-isolation, violence, substance abuse, etc. It is important that we teach our children positive coping strategies, and that we reinforce their use of those strategies. Here are some positive strategies that can help a person cope with anxiety:
- Relaxation
- Prayer and meditation
- Exercise and physical exertion
- Fun and laughter
- Talking with trusted adults (parents, teachers, etc.)
- Daily structure and routine
- positive thinking
- Engaging in productive activity
- Challenging self to do brave (and healthy) things
- Asking others about how they deal with fears
- Outdoor activities
- Positive time with family and loved ones
Another thing that can cause, or increase, anxiety in children is exposure to adult concerns or issues. Many of these can be found on the internet, and with children’s increased exposure to the internet comes increased exposure to adult issues. Also, kids are watching more and more material that is designed to be stimulating or intense. This frequent exposure to potentially disturbing content is combined with the fact that kids are getting less and less outdoor, physical activity. This is a formula for increased agitation and potential anxiety. Given these issues, parents can:
- Filter or monitor web content
- Limit amount of time spent on media (internet, TV, music, etc.)
- Restrict access to disturbing or anxiety provoking content
- Minimize exposure to adult issues and concerns
As a parent, you are on the frontline when it comes to your kids, and the challenges they face. This means that you will be one of the first to know if they are experiencing stress and anxiety. Since your kids rely on you to make wise decisions about their welfare, it is especially important that you are prepared to help them address big life challenges, like anxiety. Anxiety can be a big challenge for your child, and for you as a parent, so be sure you utilize the resources available in your community (counselors, physicians, school personnel, family and friends, etc.). Don’t try to go it alone. As you work together with your child, and with trained professionals, there is no reason to doubt that things can get better. When anxiety is recognized early, and is properly addressed, it can be manageable. Remember that treatment for anxiety works, especially when it is supported by loving parents who help their kids through the process.