We were all children at one time, and children are wonderful! We were very impressionable during our early years and we came into this world ready to experience life. As children, it was in our nature to seek truth and learning. We were interested in learning about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Like all children, we were full of light, goodness, and love for others. We had no choice but to be trusting of the primary adult(s) in our lives, and so we began watching our parents for cues on how to think, feel, and act.Unfortunately, many of us received negative treatment from others. Some of those who mistreated use came from inside our family, while others were in our larger environment. As a result of negative treatment and experiences we often formed inaccurate and self-destructive beliefs and expectations.
If we as children were neglected we came to believe that we were not worthy of good treatment and care. If we were abused we came to believe that we were somehow deserving of mistreatment. If we were abandoned we came to believe that we were not good enough for others to stick around. If we were sexualized in any way we came to believe that we were only worth something if we were being used as a sex object for the pleasure of others.
On the other hand, if we were treated well, we came to believe that we were worth others' time and attention. If we were protected we came to believe that we were worth keeping safe, and that we could rely on others for support. If we were valued simply for who we were, we came to believe that our worth was independent of our body shape/size, athletic ability, or social standing. If we were treated with respect and purity we learned to see the beauty within us as men and women, rather than as sexual actors or objects.
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Now think of yourself personally, of your own history as a child. If you had experiences that encouraged you to form unhealthy and demeaning beliefs about yourself, you have probably experienced a number of painful emotions throughout your life. After all, how we view ourselves has very real effects on how we feel about ourselves. But these beliefs can be corrected; they can be replaced. So how can you eliminate and/or replace these faulty beliefs and their consequences? Here are a few suggestions:
- Actively participate in counseling with a reputable counselor. Although there are many challenges in life we can work through by ourselves, with family, or with friends, there are times when working with a trained counseling professional is a good idea. A reputable counselor, with known integrity, can be a great resource for dealing with difficult personal and family issues.
- Reflect on and journal about early experiences. You can go back and identify the major experiences that played a role in your development of your self image, with particular attention to those where you interpreted yourself or the world as bad. Identify the elements that suggested to you as a child that you were unworthy, unwanted, or unlovable.
- Discard faulty, negative beliefs and replace them with more accurate ones. For example, if as a result of parental neglect you formed a belief that you are not worth of the time/attention of others, tell yourself: "No! That is not true. Just because they did not want to take care of me or spend time with me does not mean that I was not worthy of it. I was a perfectly acceptable child, and still am a perfectly acceptable human being, and I have always been of value. And, furthermore, I value myself!"
- Get involved with family, friends, and/or community. The world is full of people who are open to friendship and love. Although it may not be easy to find them, you can begin taking some first steps. Find opportunities to regularly associate with others. This can be done by attending family or community dinners; participating in a hobby or sport; attending religious-based services; developing a musical talent to share with others; and more. Consistent attempts, over time, will almost assuredly bring about the results you seek. Don't allow yourself to get discouraged; stay determined!
- Spend time loving and serving others. The world is always full of opportunities to serve others; there are always people in need of a helping hand, an understanding heart, or a shoulder to cry on. As you serve others, you will come to see that your value and worth is not determined by the judgement of others, but by your inherent ability to bring about good things in the world.